The route we take to begin recovery looks different for everyone. For some, it takes a difficult situation to make the brave choice in asking for help. We want you to believe there is a reality where you can be the best version of yourself, and we’re ready to help you make that happen. Our friend Becca shared her story of how she was able to overcome an unfortunate situation and learn to love herself again. We hope it gives you the courage to do the same.
Hi, I’m Becca and I’m an addict. I’ve been that person for 15 years. I’ve been on and off opiates, mostly on, my whole adult life. I started out recreationally, then I became a “functional” addict, and then I hit MY rock bottom a few times. I’ve used every excuse but there was never reason good enough. I tried outpatient rehabs as well as intensive outpatient programs. I tried suboxone, but without actual treatment, none of it had worked for me. I didn’t have a full tool belt. Sometimes I would stay clean only a few weeks, once I even made it 3 years, but no matter what, it was never enough, and I was never happy. Inpatient rehab never felt affordable, and I didn’t know it could be state-funded, so that was never an option for.
Two and a half years ago, I was put on probation. Six months ago, I started using again. After failing drug tests, I was given no choice but to go to an intensive inpatient facility. I begged and pleaded with them to give me a second chance and not put me in rehab because “I didn’t need it”. But I did, and they all knew it, even though I didn’t. I lost that battle; I was given the option of rehab or prison. So of course, I went with rehab. I was mad at the world and my PO.
The day I walked into Cenikor, I was extremely emotional and didn’t know anything. The first few days all I did was cry because I was missing my baby son and husband. I was filled with so much guilt, hate, and shame in myself that I didn’t know what to do. The second day there I was crying in my bed with all that shame and guilt that I had, and one of the ladies came to talk to me and told me that in group, I should process it. I didn’t even know, technically, what that meant. We talked for a bit, and I was able to hold my composure and get myself together. It was time for an 8am feelings check. It went like this: “Hi, I’m Becca, and I’m an addict.”; “What are you feeling?”; “I’m feeling sad with shame and guilt for leaving my baby son and husband.”; “What are you grateful for?”; “I’m grateful to be alive.”; “What is your goal for today?”; “My goal for today is just to make it through the day.”; “What is your long-term goal?”; “My long-term goal is to get back home and stay sober.”
The next class was the 10am process group. I thought to myself, “this is what she was talking about when she said at group I need to process.” I sat and listened to everyone share and process what they had going on. I was the last person to go. The counselor told me to check in and tell her what I’m feeling and where I want to be in life and different, but similar, questions. Again, “I’m Becca and I’m an addict,” and then there went the tears just pouring out. “What if I don’t know any of that, what if don’t know what’s going on? Right now, I’m so mad and upset with myself about leaving my baby son I don’t know what’s up from down or left from right.” I went on and talked a little more about my story and then said, “that’s all I got.” Now the counselor asks if I’m open to feedback. I said “yes,” and I got amazing feedback. I also realized that I’m far from alone and people are going through the exact same thing I am. It was a great feeling and so much weight was lifted from just the second day being there.
The urge to use was still there, and it was pretty strong, but then I was informed that Cenikor has a MAT program I could join which was suboxone for us opiate users. Yes, I was familiar with the medication, and it didn’t help. Before I was only given the medication, but now, combined with the treatment Cenikor provided, it was absolutely what I needed. So, a few weeks go by, and I’m on the meds and going to classes and talking to everyone, and then it clicked; this is what my PO meant by getting a second chance, and now I wanted to be there. I wasn’t mad at the world anymore. Even though it wasn’t my decision to go to rehab, it was my decision to stay and actually work the program. By the end of my treatment, I was given a full belt filled with the tools I need to stay active and healthy in my recovery, and I have the meds on a schedule where I use them only as a medication, not as a substitute for drugs.
I am now almost 45 days out of treatment, and my life couldn’t be better. I lost jobs and money before coming, but now I have so many opened many doors in my life. I have an amazing job. I can save money. I was able to fix my car and many other things now that I’m actively in my recovery. I can now look in the mirror and recognize the person in it—and I genuinely love myself again. That’s all thanks to God, Cenikor, and my desire to want to be clean.